November 3, 2013
Ever had one of those days where you just want to give up?
I have – yesterday. I made the decision
that I was finally, after all these years going to really and truly give
up. I am a woman who loves to make
decisions. I always feel five pounds
lighter and ten times smarter when I’ve made a decision. That’s not to say I haven’t lived through
some lousy consequences, but always the moment of decision is great
medicine.
The day had started out fine. I was feeling great as I
headed into town to do some errands and buy marigolds and sugar skulls for my day
of the dead altar. But my mood began to
shift when I found the computer repair shop closed until Monday. Then I went to pick up some money, which turned
out to be much less than I’d expected.
These two small, pretty insignificant events made me decide to once and
for all give up. ‘These are luxury
problems Fay,’ I reasoned with myself. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that
all was lost. The weather suddenly
turned cold, as if agreeing with me, so when I saw a bus coming I jumped on
board and went straight back home. ‘To
hell with making an altar,’ I thought. ‘I’m
giving up anyway, why go to all that bother?’ When I got home I realized there
were certain things I needed to take care of before I could completely give up
and then it hit me, how do you give up? What’s that like? Do you just lie in bed, refusing to wash?
What about when you get hungry? What about feeding the dogs?
It brought me to the question; exactly what was it that I was
giving up on? My life? I wanted to give up on my whole life over a
shop being closed? I peered into that
thought. Beyond the thought I could recognize a feeling, an almost unbearable sense
of disappointment and I realized it had nothing to do with my errands not
working out. It had to do with the Steps indiegogo campaign. The shortfall and
the shop closing just presented an opportunity for me to notice. For all my positive-thinking and out-of-the-box-create-my-own-life
charm, I was still tapped into the old conditioned habit of disappointment and
an old belief in what success looks like.
Looking at the numbers on the indiegogo homepage with just a couple of
days to go, one wouldn’t say was looking like a great success. For nearly 30 days I've been willing myself to keep
seeing something different, allowing a bigger picture to reveal itself. But it has been a tall order. It has not been easy to keep bugging people, asking
everyone to share the links or contribute funds. And the whole time I’ve been willing myself
to believe in my ability to attract and persuade exactly the people needed to
create the Steps vision with me, a little thread of disappointment was weaving
itself into an energetic ball and chain.
So I made another decision, instead of giving up I decided to find out
what it was I didn’t understand about the Steps campaign. At
four in the morning I woke out of a deep sleep and found the answer.
I wrote out all the names of everyone who had
contributed to the campaign so far. I
wanted to understand who the contributors were and how they had learned of the
Steps. What I found was that over
sixty-five percent were friends, most of whom had known me for decades. I hadn’t realized the level of support that I
have always had from a lovely network of people scattered all across the world
who are curious about and supportive of what I’ve been working towards all
these years. Gathering around that
bedrock is a new layer of supporters who have come to know me purely through my
online presence. I could see pinpoints
of connection radiating out from each person participating in helping this
project blossom. It was as if I’d been
shown a representation of the ‘oneness’ that I’m always hearing about, but
rarely feel. And that is what the Steps
is all about – allowing your life to reveal itself to you, letting the bigger
picture show up. We don’t need to spend all our energy figuring out why we
carry the shadow patterns that we do, we only need to notice them and they
dissolve because they are no more real than any other emotion, or resonance we
choose. So if you ever feel like giving
up, instead just ask the question; what is it about this that I don’t
understand? You will be surprised at how elegantly the answer turns up in your life.
So with renewed vigor, I’m opening myself to miracles for these last two days of
the campaign. I’m not ruling out the
possibility of a high-rolling angel swanning in at the eleventh hour to top up
the campaign fund. But miracles are often not so dramatic. They are occurring all the time in our lives
if we just take the time to notice. Thank you all for helping me to see that. xox
