November 3, 2013
Ever had one of those days where you just want to give up? I have – yesterday. I made the decision that I was finally, after all these years going to really and truly give up. I am a woman who loves to make decisions. I always feel five pounds lighter and ten times smarter when I’ve made a decision. That’s not to say I haven’t lived through some lousy consequences, but always the moment of decision is great medicine.
The day had started out fine. I was feeling great as I headed into town to do some errands and buy marigolds and sugar skulls for my day of the dead altar. But my mood began to shift when I found the computer repair shop closed until Monday. Then I went to pick up some money, which turned out to be much less than I’d expected. These two small, pretty insignificant events made me decide to once and for all give up. ‘These are luxury problems Fay,’ I reasoned with myself. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that all was lost. The weather suddenly turned cold, as if agreeing with me, so when I saw a bus coming I jumped on board and went straight back home. ‘To hell with making an altar,’ I thought. ‘I’m giving up anyway, why go to all that bother?’ When I got home I realized there were certain things I needed to take care of before I could completely give up and then it hit me, how do you give up? What’s that like? Do you just lie in bed, refusing to wash? What about when you get hungry? What about feeding the dogs?
It brought me to the question; exactly what was it that I was giving up on? My life? I wanted to give up on my whole life over a shop being closed? I peered into that thought. Beyond the thought I could recognize a feeling, an almost unbearable sense of disappointment and I realized it had nothing to do with my errands not working out. It had to do with the Steps indiegogo campaign. The shortfall and the shop closing just presented an opportunity for me to notice. For all my positive-thinking and out-of-the-box-create-my-own-life charm, I was still tapped into the old conditioned habit of disappointment and an old belief in what success looks like. Looking at the numbers on the indiegogo homepage with just a couple of days to go, one wouldn’t say was looking like a great success. For nearly 30 days I've been willing myself to keep seeing something different, allowing a bigger picture to reveal itself. But it has been a tall order. It has not been easy to keep bugging people, asking everyone to share the links or contribute funds. And the whole time I’ve been willing myself to believe in my ability to attract and persuade exactly the people needed to create the Steps vision with me, a little thread of disappointment was weaving itself into an energetic ball and chain. So I made another decision, instead of giving up I decided to find out what it was I didn’t understand about the Steps campaign. At four in the morning I woke out of a deep sleep and found the answer.
I wrote out all the names of everyone who had contributed to the campaign so far. I wanted to understand who the contributors were and how they had learned of the Steps. What I found was that over sixty-five percent were friends, most of whom had known me for decades. I hadn’t realized the level of support that I have always had from a lovely network of people scattered all across the world who are curious about and supportive of what I’ve been working towards all these years. Gathering around that bedrock is a new layer of supporters who have come to know me purely through my online presence. I could see pinpoints of connection radiating out from each person participating in helping this project blossom. It was as if I’d been shown a representation of the ‘oneness’ that I’m always hearing about, but rarely feel. And that is what the Steps is all about – allowing your life to reveal itself to you, letting the bigger picture show up. We don’t need to spend all our energy figuring out why we carry the shadow patterns that we do, we only need to notice them and they dissolve because they are no more real than any other emotion, or resonance we choose. So if you ever feel like giving up, instead just ask the question; what is it about this that I don’t understand? You will be surprised at how elegantly the answer turns up in your life.
So with renewed vigor, I’m opening myself to miracles for these last two days of the campaign. I’m not ruling out the possibility of a high-rolling angel swanning in at the eleventh hour to top up the campaign fund. But miracles are often not so dramatic. They are occurring all the time in our lives if we just take the time to notice. Thank you all for helping me to see that. xox